He shall not be utterly cast down: Psalms 37:23-24

I like these scriptures about falling. They teach me that God will uphold us when we fall, that there is a difference between falling and being 'utterly cast down', and that good men fall, repeatedly. 

I typically try to avoid falling altogether.  When I do fall I tend to get really upset with myself and spiral down from there.  I want to get better at just falling and getting back up, falling and getting back up, falling and getting back up.  I want to accept falling as a regular part of life so I can get up again instead of falling further and further down.  I want to let my friends help me up when I fall, and I want to be able to help them up when they fall.  This is reminding me of "Ring Around the Rosie:"  Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down.

Psalms 37: 23-24

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand.

 Psalms 145:14 

The Lord upholdeth all that fall, and raiseth up all those that be bowed down.

Psalms 56:13  
For thou hast delivered my soul from death: wilt not thou deliver my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of the living?

Psalms 116: 8 
For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.

Proverbs 24:16 
For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.

Micah 7: 8

Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.

For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

Such and such things: 2 Samuel 12:7-9

Here is a scripture I really like.  It is from the story of King David in the Old Testament.  In the first six verses of this chapter, the prophet Nathan has come to rebuke David for putting Uriah in harm's way so that he could have his wife, Bathsheba.  Nathan tells David the story of a rich man and a poor man.  The rich man has many sheep.  The poor man only has one little lamb, but he loves her like a daughter.  A guest comes to the rich man's house, and instead of killing one of his many sheep to feed the traveler, the rich man takes the poor man's precious lamb and kills it.  When David hears this story he is outraged by the injustice of the rich man.  Then Nathan tells David that he is the selfish rich man in the story.  Nathan says (2 Samuel 12:7-9):

 7 ...Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul;

 8 And I gave thee thy master’s house, and thy master’s wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things.

 9 Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the Lord, to do evil in his sight?  


Why am I so struck by this passage?  The Lord points out the many rich blessings he has given David and then says to him that if those things had not been enough, he would have given David even more.  It is God's generosity that strikes me.  Suppose that David, instead of taking matters into his own hands,  had sought the Lord's help.  What if he had told the Lord that there was something missing in his life and he was sorely tempted to fill that need in a sinful way.  God could have given David what he was missing if he had asked, and it would have been something far better and more healing than another man's wife.   It would have had the power to fill that hole in David's soul permanently and perfectly. 

What if each time I wanted to reach for a cookie to comfort myself, I instead knelt and asked for God's help?  I could count on him to give me what I need.  When I try to comfort myself with a dessert, I don't actually feel comforted--I feel worse than ever.  That hole in me gets bigger, not smaller.  Can I have faith in God's kindness and generosity to ask him to provide the things I need, instead of seeking to provide them for myself? 

Building a Ship, Building a Temple: 1 Nephi 17-18 & 2 Nephi 5

The first story in the Book of Mormon is about the family of a man named Lehi.  Lehi is warned by God to take his wife and children into the desert to escape the destruction of Jerusalem in approximately 600 BC.  At the end of their eight year journey in the wilderness, Lehi's son Nephi is told by God to build a ship to take himself and his family across the ocean to the New World, where they establish themselves on the American continent.  Although Nephi is not a builder or a seaman by trade, he accepts God's instructions to build a ship, and is taught by the Lord exactly how to go about it.  Here is the scriptural account of building the ship:

 1 Nephi 17:8-11, 16-19, 49-51; 1 Nephi 18:1-4

8 And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto me [Nephi], saying: Thou shalt construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee, that I may carry thy people across these waters.

9 And I said: Lord, whither shall I go that I may find ore to molten, that I may make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me?

10 And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go to find ore, that I might make tools.

11 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make a bellows wherewith to blow the fire, of the skins of beasts; and after I had made a bellows, that I might have wherewith to blow the fire, I did smite two stones together that I might make fire... 

16 And it came to pass that I did make tools of the ore which I did molten out of the rock.

17 And when my brethren saw that I was about to build a ship, they began to murmur against me, saying: Our brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship; yea, and he also thinketh that he can cross these great waters.

18 And thus my brethren did complain against me, and were desirous that they might not labor, for they did not believe that I could build a ship; neither would they believe that I was instructed of the Lord.

19 And now it came to pass that I, Nephi, was exceedingly sorrowful because of the hardness of their hearts; and now when they saw that I began to be sorrowful they were glad in their hearts, insomuch that they did rejoice over me, saying: We knew that ye could not construct a ship, for we knew that ye were lacking in judgment; wherefore, thou canst not accomplish so great a work...  

49 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto them that they should murmur no more against their father; neither should they withhold their labor from me, for God had commanded me that I should build a ship.

50 And I said unto them: If God had commanded me to do all things I could do them. If he should command me that I should say unto this water, be thou earth, it should be earth; and if I should say it, it would be done.

51 And now, if the Lord has such great power, and has wrought so many miracles among the children of men, how is it that he cannot instruct me, that I should build a ship?

1 And it came to pass that they [Nephi's brothers] did worship the Lord, and did go forth with me; and we did work timbers of curious workmanship. And the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work the timbers of the ship.

2 Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men.

3 And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did pray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things.

4 And it came to pass that after I had finished the ship, according to the word of the Lord, my brethren beheld that it was good, and that the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine; wherefore, they did humble themselves again before the Lord.

I read this both as a literal account and as an allegory, in which I am trying to do a difficult project that the Lord has asked me to do (like raise my children), and not only is there the struggle to do something hard that I've never done before, but there are discouraging thoughts and voices in my mind, like Nephi's brothers, telling me I can't do it.  How does Nephi respond to his brothers' attacks?  He was 'exceedingly sorrowful' at first, but he was also confident that his errand was from God, and he rebuked them and expressed his faith in God's ability to make him equal to the task.  Nephi tells us that the way he built the ship was a unique process described to him by God, and not the way men usually built such things.  He learned how to do this by getting started, and being shown by God 'from time to time', how to proceed.  Nephi also says that he went to the mount often and prayed often to God for guidance, and was shown many great things. I like the idea that as I work hard and seek God's guidance, he will teach me his own way for me to accomplish my mission, and it will not necessarily resemble the way others have done it. 

The next part of Nephi's story happens after he and his family have successfully crossed the ocean on the boat they built together.  As they work to establish themselves in their new home, Nephi is able to do many important things as a result of the knowledge and skill he acquired by building that ship:

2 Nephi 5:14-17

14 And I, Nephi, did take the sword of Laban, and after the manner of it did make many swords, lest by any means the people who were now called Lamanites should come upon us and destroy us; for I knew their hatred towards me and my children and those who were called my people.

15 And I did teach my people to build buildings, and to work in all manner of wood, and of iron, and of copper, and of brass, and of steel, and of gold, and of silver, and of precious ores, which were in great abundance.

16 And I, Nephi, did build a temple; and I did construct it after the manner of the temple of Solomon save it were not built of so many precious things; for they were not to be found upon the land, wherefore, it could not be built like unto Solomon’s temple. But the manner of the construction was like unto the temple of Solomon; and the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine.

He makes swords and he teaches his people to build buildings, and to work with wood and metals.  His crowning achievement is building a temple.  I like the symbolism of learning how to build a temple by first building a boat.  I like the idea that Nephi was taught of the Lord, and through his own faith and hard work, to find ore, make a bellows, build a fire, molten the ore from the rock, make tools, and finally work timber with those tools to make a ship.  He used all of these skills again to build a temple.

What hard thing has God asked you to do that can only be accomplished with His help and guidance?  What skills are you developing now that you may need in the future for an even greater task? 

But what are they among so many? John 6: 9-13

Lisa Pratt left a comment on Facebook for me about my last post.  She said it reminded her of Dieter Uchtdorf's address to the women of the church (and the world) entitled "Forget Me Not."  I had not yet read that message, but since this was the second time this week that someone has recommended the talk to me, I decided it was time to look at it. 

The talk is structured around five things that we should not forget (like the five petals on the forget-me-not flower).  The first is "forget not to be patient with yourself."  President Uchtdorf encourages us to "celebrate our good efforts," to stop comparing ourselves to others, to be compassionate with ourselves, and to stop punishing ourselves for our weaknesses and short-comings.  He says,

be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement... If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences... Our journey toward perfection is long, but we can find wonder and delight in even the tiniest steps in that journey.

I always appreciate reminders to focus on small successes and tiny steps.  I am definitely one to focus on my (glaring) lack of perfection rather than the efforts I'm making to improve.  Another reminder here is to be thankful for our small successes and tiniest steps in the right direction.  Gratitude can help us notice and appreciate "life's sweetest experiences", and it can help us to "find wonder and delight." 

As I searched for the word 'small' in the scriptures tonight, this passage caught my eye: John 6:9-13.  The Savior wants to feed the giant crowd that has gathered to see him.  He asks one of his disciples how they can get enough bread for everyone.  Another disciple overhears the conversation and says:

9 There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many?

 10 And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand.

 11 And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would.

 12 When they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost.

 13 Therefore they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten.

  

The five barley loaves and two small fishes, compared to the hunger of five thousand men, was comical.  "What are they among so many?"  What are my tiny and pathetic little attempts compared to all that I need to change and improve to become the person I want to be?  The first thing Jesus does with this miniscule offering is to give thanks.  This is a place I could improve.  Instead of criticizing my efforts, I could thank God for my small successes, as President Uchtdorf encourages us to do.  After thanking God, Christ distributes the food--he shares it with all who will partake.  That is another thing I can do--share myself with others.  The super negative thinking about myself that I indulge in isolates me from others.  It is the opposite of giving thanks for what I can do and sharing that small offering with my brothers and sisters.  Through our Savior's love and power, those little loaves of bread and small fishes were more than enough to fill all who were there, with twelve baskets left over.   Through his love and power, I can be more than enough as well.

Thirsty: Isaiah 41:17-18

I'm still in my dark place, struggling to "feel inspired" enough to write anything on my new scripture blog.  But I really want to do this each day, for both the writing and the scripture time it gives me.  So I'll just share a favorite scripture with you, in lieu of something new that I've discovered today.  I have been trying to memorize this passage from Isaiah 41

17 When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the Lord will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them.

 18 I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.

This is a passage I discovered recently, within the past year or so.  It was not at all familiar to me.  Perhaps that is why I find it so beautiful.  I like the idea that the poor and needy are seeking water, and the Lord does not immediately intervene.  He does not prevent them from feeling thirst.  They search and find no water.  Their tongue faileth for thirst.  They already feel abandoned, I imagine.  They are suffering.  They are trying and failing.  Yet the Lord promises that he will hear them and not forsake them.  But he does not say when he will help them get the water they are so desperate for.  Perhaps these thirsty people feel like they have waited long enough.  They are really, really thirsty, and are doing their best to find water, but there is none--or so they believe.  The Lord promises so much water--he will open rivers, fountains, pools of water, springs of water.  But he does not say when he will do this, and he does not do this right away.  This is the kind of faith we need to develop if we can.  The faith that he hears us, he has not forsaken us, he will not forsake us.  He can make water come from places we never imagined, more water than we ever dreamed of.  But we need to be patient and wait upon him.  

I guess I'm feeling thirsty right now.  I feel the darkness of the world.  I feel a bit of despair and hopelessness.  I feel like I just keep failing and failing.  Although I did not feel inspired as I began to write this,  just reading this scripture again has lifted me up.  I can see myself in these poor, needy, thirsty people, and I don't want to give up on the Lord.  The water will come when the time is right.

Looking for help, joy, and wisdom: Hosea 13:9 and D&C 136: 29, 32-33

My spirits are low today.  Last fall I tried a very strict diet and lost a lot of weight in a short period of time.  I felt elated.  I felt like Superwoman.  I felt so strong and good.  About 40 days into the diet, I fell off the wagon.  At first I tried repeatedly to get back on.  My weight went back up a little, but my repeated efforts to follow the diet, even if only for a day or two, helped me to keep most of it off.   

More recently, I have completely given up following any diet at all.  I have gone back to my least healthy way of eating, and I have gained a lot of weight very quickly.  Last night I got on the scale and saw that I'd had finally gained back all of the weight I lost in the fall. 

This morning I told myself that I had to stop this unhealthy way of eating.  I went to the grocery store and refused to buy any of the treats that I usually get.  As I drove home from the store, my heart felt broken.  I felt like there would be no pleasure or happiness in my life if I took away my treats.  Hearing myself think this, I could see how plainly false such a thought had to be.  I tried to think of things in my life besides dessert that bring me happiness.  I tried to think of how empty the "happiness" that I get from treats really is.  It is a momentary pleasure that simultaneously makes me despise myself and feel sick to my stomach. 

When I got home, I realized that I'd forgotten two things at the store that I needed, so we went out again.  This time I bought lots of treats for myself, and ate them all.  I felt sick, but I kept eating them until they were gone.  I thought, I can't live without these treats, and I can't live with them, either, because of how they make me feel and what they do to my body.  This line of thinking may have something to do with my low spirits today.  Self-deprecating smile.

Now the day is nearly over, and I'm trying to find a scripture to write about.  Here are a few that I keep coming back to:

Hosea 13:9  O Israel, thou hast destroyed thyself; but in me is thine help.

This one says to me, try to get help from God with this.  If you try to do it alone, you will destroy yourself.  You are destroying yourself by trying to find happiness and comfort in food.  

D&C 136:29 If thou art sorrowful, call on the Lord thy God with supplication, that your souls may be joyful.

Find solace in prayer, not in food.  God not only provides solace, but joy.  See if a brownie can do that.

D&C 136:32-33 Let him that is ignorant learn wisdom by humbling himself and calling upon the Lord his God, that his eyes may be opened that he may see, and his ears opened that he may hear; For my Spirit is sent forth into the world to enlighten the humble and contrite...

I can ask the Lord to help me understand why I turn to food and how to learn to turn to something better.  He can teach me another way.  If I can be humble and contrite he can enlighten me through his Spirit.  (Ugh.  I'm so sick of myself.)

Here is a great quote before I close:

"Humility is not the disavowal of our worth; rather, it is the sober realization of how much we are valued by God." (Neal A. Maxwell) 

More Treasure: Proverbs 2:1-11

Thinking more about yesterday's scripture, I looked up the word 'treasure'.  Here are some of the definitions I liked:

-wealth or riches stored or accumulated
-any thing or person greatly valued or highly prized
-a concentration of riches
-prized possession or entity

I think of treasure as a collection of precious objects accumulated over time.  It seems like the things that you think about most can become a treasure of sorts in your heart.  How can we increase the amount of good treasure in our hearts, hopefully leaving less room for evil treasure?  I think of the book I just re-read, Jane Eyre.  I finished it over a week ago, yet I continue to think of Jane's example of choosing what she knew was right over what she really really wanted.  Although she is a fictional character, the difficult choice she made inspires me.  It strengthens my resolve to make similar difficult choices.  So for me, Jane's story is a good treasure--it is something I think about a lot, something that inspires me to choose the right.

Evil treasure: this is much easier for me to catalog.  It seems that my heart is full of this.  Some of my favorite evil treasures are cruel thoughts I have about myself.  I spend a great deal of time playing with this particular fool's gold.  I mentioned in my earlier post the evil treasure of anger and resentment which also plague me.


I can picture someone handling their treasure, stroking it, counting it, checking it to make sure it is all there.  The more we entertain certain thoughts, the more treasure-like they become to us.  Nearly every time I go out in public, a great deal of my mental energy is devoted to imagining the negative thoughts others must be having about the way I look.  No wonder I feel uncomfortable around strangers!  What if I could train myself, instead, to think about how each person I encounter is a child of God?  What if I could focus on finding a way to interact with someone in a positive way when I leave the house?  Could thoughts of love become a treasure to replace my current thoughts of fear and judgment?

Here is a beautiful scripture about treasure from the Old Testament, Proverbs 2:1-11:

 1 My son, if thou wilt receive my words, and hide [treasure] my commandments with thee;

 2 So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;

 3 Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding;

 4 If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures;

 5 Then shalt thou understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God.

 6 For the Lord giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.

 7 He layeth up sound wisdom for the righteous: he is a buckler [shield] to them that walk uprightly.

 8 He keepeth the paths of judgment, and preserveth the way of his saints.

 9 Then shalt thou understand righteousness, and judgment, and equity; yea, every good path.

10 ¶When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul;

11 Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee:

God's words, his commandments, wisdom, understanding, and knowledge are suggested as treasures here.  If we seek these things, "as silver" "as for hid treasures" we will understand, find knowledge, receive wisdom, and be kept and preserved.  Beautiful.

Good Treasure, Evil Treasure: Luke 6:45

Written May 1, 2012:

This morning's verse is Luke 6:45

A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

My initial response to this verse is anxiety.  I'm concerned about the treasure of my heart, how much is good and how much is evil.  For more ideas about how to improve my heart treasure, I've turned to our church's monthly publication, the Ensign magazine, searching for past articles that quote this verse, hoping that what others have said about good and evil treasure will help me.

The first article I'm looking at is from the August 1986 issue, "Helping Children Build a Moral Framework for Life" by Terry Olson who, at the time, was associate dean of the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences at Brigham Young University.  He says,

Parents who wish to be proper examples must remember that “a good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good … for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.” (Luke 6:45.) Our hearts must be in our actions if they are to be the example we wish them to be...It is what we are—including the attitudes and emotions which attend our actions—that our children see. Our behavior is either an expression of our moral commitments, or of our hypocrisy—behaving “properly” while withholding our hearts. If we are to be true examples of the moral principles we want our children to learn, we must do more than just behave properly. Our behavior must be supported with the heart, might, mind, and strength of moral commitment, for as we think in our hearts, so are we. (See Proverbs 23:7.)

In this interpretation, we are encouraged to make sure that our benevolent actions are matched by benevolent thoughts and feelings about those actions.  Olson describes hypocrisy as "behaving 'properly' while withholding our hearts."   In what ways do I behave properly while withholding my heart?

What comes to mind is some of my relationships.  I like some people better than others.  I can give to the ones I love freely, with my whole honest heart, in part because they give freely back to me.  But what about those who, for whatever reason, seem to take more freely than they give?  When I "give" to a friend like this, I may simultaneously resent her for taking my so-called "gift".  I am so conflict-averse,  I will most likely present a happy face, when I actually feel angry with her.  Then I might complain about her to another friend, one I feel closer to and safer with. 

This is not sounding so good as I write it.


I have had the experience of not liking someone, but acting like I did for many months or years, praying in the meantime for my heart to be softened, and I have received the gift of love for them in due time.  But in these cases, I have not been gossiping behind her back, or complaining about her to others.  I have kept those negative thoughts between myself and god, and in time, with sincere prayer, they have been replaced by positive.

Written May 2, 2012:

This experience, which I have had many times in my life, is one of the most genuine proofs I have of the existence of God, and of the fact that he hears and answers my prayers.  He always manages to soften my heart toward my "enemy" as long as I am willing to make it a matter of sincere prayer and effort, being patient and faithful that the change will occur, regardless of how long it takes.

No More Dithering

May 1, 2012: My attempt to start this journal has been delayed for months by my anxious dithering over the proper notebook to use.  This morning I'm dispensing with the notebook altogether.  Let the journaling commence.

May 2, 2012: True to form, I am now dithering over the title and address of this new blog.  The current iteration is my third, and hopefully last.